a nasty feeling....

Since having 5 kids (actually since #3 came) I have always thought-dreamed -fantasied about the day that my own children would go to school. The day that I would no longer hear the pitter patter of little feet, the day I could crawl back into bed and sleep until they got home from school(my gluttony sin, refer to previous posts). In all of my dreaming I have wrestled, tango-ed, fought a true feeling that came loud and clear when Grace was at the end of her Kindergarten year.

She started struggling with school and I truly felt for her, mostly feared for her. I mean being the spawn of 2 brain dead parents that both struggled in school really has it's disadvantages. BUT I was proactive, I spoke with her teachers, read books and started to work a little at home with her- but still fought that " feeling". Her teachers all said the same thing...." she's a bright girl, just give her some time it will come sooner or later". I was happy to have her their learning and being taught by the pros's. That is what these people do, this is why they go to school for, to teach my child that is struggling. Because what do I know...
I mean I have to hit spell check five times before I can post anything on this blog, I still don't know where to put coma's, apostrophes, exclamation points and sometimes question marks? I love run on sentences - and I really like to do this ........... thing. I can read but hooked on phonics barley worked for me. ANd Don't even ask me fraction's, its a wonder that any recipe of mine turns out. Algebras what's that; and how do you spell it...? I took Freshman health (sex ed) and failed, twice, and had to take it as a senior and only barley passed because I was a T.A. the period before and got to correct the tests before I took them.

I talked to a few people about this feeling, Lets call them "that feeling" friends. I Only choose certain people to relay this "feeling" upon. People that I knew I wouldn't get the " have you lost your mind"- or the "really? and how do you plan on doing that" or the " ummm do you think that's a good idea?" Comments from. Some days my heart would feel full and I would talk to My "that feeling" friends and I would feel good, confident and ready to start a new challenge in life. But the self doubt, the negative comments and insecurities would take hold and become too much that I would push the feeling aside.

This year, a new school- more nasty feelings welling up inside and more of me pushing them aside. But something new, these feelings were much stronger. Plus another child is struggling and a lack of help from teachers prompts me to swing into action. What I started to notice is that some teachers really care about test scores, and not actual learning. I also noticed that these "extra help" programs are a lot of busy work and not much actual teaching. The more I saw into the public school system (IE PTO....not pretty, scary and a whole other story), the more I helped out in my kids classes, the more I listened and watched the other kids (horrifying) and saw the class sizes (26-29 kids per class) the more time I spent at the pubic school....the place that my child will spend 12 years of their life attending........the stronger the feeling grew.

The more time I spend with my kids- teaching, the more I Realize that..... who knows my kids better than me? who can figure out what they need better than me? figure out how they learn? and take the time to teach them individually? Who has a long term interest in my child? Who would give anything for them? Who loves and wants the best for them? who wants them to be the best they can be? who may go insane before they all move out? me. and Mike.....